You. Just You.

Walking in the middle of a street never seems to be such a good idea. Unfortunately, that’s often where I find myself: toeing the line between something and something else. Never really sure if I should go one way, or the other, and often taking the safer, more comfortable path in the middle. Sure, I have fun heading east for a time, met some new people, have some fun adventures, gain new stories to tell, and even deciding that yes, heading this direction is what’s for me. But then I try west. And west can be oh so tantalizing. Then my mind is thrown for a loop and everything I planned for and established while walking along the eastern road is gone. Not forever, but in hiding for a time. Because the western road feels so new; so fun; so tempting. It allows more freedom and room for experimenting; but possibly more pain and heartache. Just as I’m enjoying this walk west, I look over to the east and remember the good times we had. What I learned while walking that path, how I felt, and how I was simply different. Then I start to toe that middle line again. Indecision is frustrating. Frustrating and debilitating.

Then it dawned on me. What if we don’t have to pick a path to travel along or a single direction for our journey? Those paths are just the directions that other people traveled: paved by THEIR footsteps along THEIR individual journey. That doesn’t have to be my path. If I want to travel west for some time and then do a few miles east, what’s stopping me? Maybe I’ll even try north and south out, see what they’re like. I can do things my way and make it work. Not be confined by the width of a path or direction of the trail. Even if I end up crossing over thousands of times, taking two steps this way and two steps that way, ending up exactly where I started, I’d be ok with that. I would be a completely different person, understanding more about myself and why I do what I do, think the way I do, and want the things I want. Finding out the why is the key; and then finding confidence in who you are through it.

Then again, I'm just a 19 year old with little experience and little -albeit increasing- knowledge of just who I am. Man I hate that. Oh well, I'll just keep traveling west for a while with a smile on my face and an open heart and mind. Maybe I'll come across something interesting.

Bigger and better things

In relation to my last post and my mentality towards my injury, here is a wonderful idea by C.S. Lewis who is such an amazing writer and person. Please enjoy and ponder:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

Woe is me? Oh, no please!

Injuries are tricky business. Just when you think everything is going right, you're feeling great, playing really well at practice, finally looking like you know how to play basketball (ok, this might be just specific to me), and then, all of a sudden, you can't anymore. Why? Because of a tiny tendon in your body that sends a stabbing pain up your leg with every step and prevents you from running, cutting, or jumping; things that are sometimes necessary in basketball. This is what happened to me a few days ago when I hurt my Achilles tendon during practice after a stint with Achilles tendinitis that just decided to turn from a minor stiffness to a debilitating injury. I should mention that we are at the point in the season where we are all fighting for playing time and competing to make each other better and set the foundation for our team. Perfect timing, huh?

The thing I have come to learn though, is you have to take things like this in stride and trust that you will be just fine. Perhaps it was even meant to happen. As many times as I have said "Woe is me" and sulked about a poor situation I was in, it never got any better and 99% of the time, I realized I wasn't in such a bad state at all, often seeing the benefits of my "poor" situation. God works in mysterious ways and requires that you put your faith in Him and know that He will lead you in the right direction (whether you know it or not). This does not get you off the hook though to merely have faith. As a close friend always says, you have to pray as though you sincerely believe the Lord will help you and act and live as though it is all up to you. In other words, I have to do my part to heal, stay positive, and strengthen myself, and God will do the rest. Sounds like a pretty fair deal to me.

So although I must currently gimp around in a truly attractive walking boot to nurse my crippled Achilles tendon, I haven't given up. I haven't quit. There's so much time still to prove myself and get better! Heck, maybe I'll even see that this was for the better. So, chin up, confidence high, and eyes facing the future. Besides, it's kind of cool that I have to deal with the same injury as a Greek God and War hero. I can live with that.

I left my heart in san francisco...

I just want to use my blog to vent about my love for the San Francisco Giants (I have to specify the city because too many on the East Coast get confused with those football playing Giants of NY). If you are a Braves, Phillies, or, heaven forbid, Dodgers fan, I apologize (well, not the the Dodgers) but here we go. I LOVE MY GIANTS. Not only do I love the organization, but this team is truly something special. I have never seen this kind of chemistry, personality, and pure talent from any other team; except those who have won the World Series. It may sound crazy that this ragtag group of boys that was pieced together all throughout the season could actually be contending for a World Series championship yet alone win it, but it's real. It's happening. And I couldn't be more pumped.

I have always been a dedicated Giants fan: sticking with them after their heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, stab in the back loss to the Angels in seven games in the 2002 World Series (it hurts to write); cheering as loud as ever even after Barry Bonds...incident with steroids; and trying my best to defend them to obnoxious A's and Dodgers fans the past few years and insist/lie-through-my-teeth that they were the better team despite their abysmal performance on the field. So please don't ever think that I am a bandwagon fan. I love the Giants, I always have and I always will.

However, this year, I love them a little more. Over the summer I started to listen to KNBR (Giants Radio!) daily and really start to follow this little team come together. We are quite lucky in the Bay Area to have such an amazing radio/television network to follow our Giants, and I couldn't be happier that I became a dedicated listener. Kruk and Kuip with John Miller and Dave Flemming; doesn't get much better. Anyways, I started watching games daily, checking the scores, listening to chatter on the radio, and I just LOVED it all. This team did not have a lot of big name stars (they are big names now after their incredible run in the playoffs) and they were just getting it done while having fun.

It was never easy though. The slogan that Kuip came up with for the year that is oh so fitting is...Giants baseball: torture. And it is SO true. No matter how much the Giants are up by (or often how little), they will find a way to make it interesting. Fans bite their lip, pull their hat over their eyes, throw their head back and curse under their breath, as the the Giants let another lead slip away or wait until the last few innings to get going. It may shave a few years off of my life and raise my blood pressure, but I wouldn't have it any other way! That's how this team gets it done, and I'm alright with that.

This postseason has been absolutely amazing. Unfortunately, I had to go to this place called college that dragged me away from the city by the bay and I wasn't able to catch all the action leading up to the Giants' NL West victory (over SD on the last day of the season...you see what I mean by torture??), but I have been flaunting my orange and black as much as possible here in Bethlehem, PA! I've found about four other people too who don their Giants t-shirts, caps, or jackets, and we all wave/smile/nod our heads in approval at one another as we pass by. I love it.

I was happy enough that the Giants won their league and made the playoffs, but now they keep winning. They took down the Braves in 4 which was absolutely amazing because if I heard that chant one more time I would shove those foam tomahawks where the sun don't shine of any Braves fan in the vicinity. Then we got to the two-time defending NLCS champions Phillies, and I won't lie, I was very nervous. I must've forgotten that we are home to the best bullpen in the league and have a young man by the name of CODY ROSS. He has EXPLODED. The man is batting .348, has 7 RBIs, and 4 homeruns (3 in the NLCS alone) and essentially has gotten it done in the clutch with full confidence for the Giants. He is THE MAN. San Francisco will always love him. And now after solid pitching and key performances from just about everyone, as the Fox announcer put it: "The underdog Giants are one win away from the World Series..." Chills.

So, here's a thank you to all of the 2010 Giants: Juan Uuuuribe (game-winning sacfly tonight. awesome.), Freddy Sanchez, Andres Torres, Mike Fontenot, Edgar Renteria, Pablo Kung Fu Panda Sandoval (I don't really hate you even though I might have said it once or twice), Aaron Rowand, Pat Burrell (you're much better off here than in Philly), Timmy (you are just awesome Cy), Matt Cain, Jonathan Sanchez, Madison Bumgarner, Brian Freaking Wilson, Mota, Ramirez, Ishikama (#10), Whiteside, Scheirholtz, Romo, Lopez, Casilla, Affeldt, and of course Aubrey Huff (you and your red thong are amazing) and my personal favorite, Buster Posey (you are just the cutest and so freaking amazing I can't believe it).

You boys are awesome. Keep this going and know that you have the entire city of San Francisco and all the Giants supporters around the world (including a huge fan in Bethlehem, PA!) behind you who believe in you 100%. 5 more wins.

Lightning strikes

On my flight back home to San Francisco the other night, I had quite a unique opportunity to view a thunderstorm above the clouds. It was an incredible thing to see the flashes of lightening below me; a lot less violent and scary than when you are in the storm. It was almost beautiful. It is amazing to view things from a different perspective: especially a perspective different from that of the world's. It was almost divine seeing random, pure bursts of light amidst the foamy rolls of white clouds.
Life can sometimes seem violent, frightening, dangerous even, but if you view these storms above the clouds, you can see how they are more appropriately described as glorious and brilliant! Shaping the people involved, adding bursts of wake-up calls when necessary (more to scare and spark to action than anything else). And like a thunderstorm, once you make it through, which happens 99.9% of the time, you feel refreshed, refined, and more alive than ever.
Life is a constant game of shaping, contorting, sculpting, refining; otherwise how could we progress? We would be locked in one stage and one time, with all of our strengths and talents, but also confined to our imperfections and shortcomings. It is important to view things above the storm and find the purpose of the trial or test you are being put through. It is at this stage that you find out the most about yourself and what you are made of. At the very least you can say you made it through a pretty cool storm and lived to tell the tale.

Life is a Journey

Life is a journey. Discover more about yourself everyday and search for what is really you. Don't be afraid to fail or expose yourself; this is where you can grow the most! Even if you're cut down a little first. You don't have to be unhappy though. You can and should be happy! That's what you're here for. Try new things, test your limits, explore the hidden corners of your heart and mind, and never settle, because that would end the journey! As you learn more about yourself, spread your insights and happiness to others. We're not here alone and we all need to lift hands that hang down and do our best to brighten someone's day. Don't forget to have a little faith either. It's a lot easier to go along the journey knowing you're not alone, and that you're getting some help along the way...especially when things get tough as they're bound to. So smile, be happy, and always look forward with faith and optimism! That's what I'm trying to do.

A place in this great big world

I am entering that phase in my life that most people my age encounter: one where I want to change the world for the better, explore this planet we live in, and find out more about myself along the way. Maybe it's because I'm young and restless. Maybe it's because I have so much future ahead of me that I feel I can afford to take chances. Maybe it's because I've been pent up for over a decade and a half in classrooms. Or maybe it's because there's a little rebel in me that wants to do something outside the norm. Whatever the case, around this age, people just want to do something. Something meaningful. Something great. Something fulfilling! There is just this burning desire to do something that is a little risky, a little neglectful, maybe even a little stupid, but something that is bound to help you find your place in the world.

Entering college one year ago, I had no idea what to do with my life. Now one year older and hopefully wiser, I would love to say I now have direction and a 5-year plan all worked out. In fact, I do not. I was initially on the path towards a medical degree with a major in Behavioral Neuroscience, took a few science and math classes that swayed my thinking (not surprisingly, honestly who wants to sit through six hours of lab every week?), transferred into the business school to pursue finance or economics last semester, toyed with getting back on the biological sciences route and being a teacher (after a rather poor grade on a finance test that crushed my hopes), and now I am thinking I will pursue marketing and management. Talk about a roller coaster. Each time I switched plans/majors/careers, I was SO sure that I was doing what I was supposed to do. Like absolutely positive. I felt such contentment and thought that sounded like such a grand idea and went to bed with a smile on my face. Then, without fail, the next morning I would have a new idea and a new direction. Talk about confusing.

Although I have enough indecision for a whole army of people, I'm optimistic about it. I am not lost. I am a wanderer. I am a seeker. I am someone who wants to find the best possible option and not settle until I do. Do I over-analyze things? Probably, but it brings me to greater clarity and insight. Sometimes I make the wrong decision and have to turn things around and go back to my other option (something that is often painful and taxing), but I learned during the process and I'm better for it.

I think I have so much indecision because I want to do something meaningful. I go through different options in my head that will lead to different scenarios where I find the most fulfillment, but all of them sound so tempting and appealing in their own way it's impossible to decide! I have that antsyness that sprouts up in people who have their whole life ahead of them, and those who don't want to risk wasting the rest of their life in something they lack passion for. There seems to be a defining characteristic with both groups: fulfillment. What am I meant to do? Where am I supposed to be? Where can I help the most?

This leads me to wonder whether we really are meant to do something. I have never been one to believe in fate in the sense that we are not in control of our lives and how we end up, but I do believe that people are destined or lead to do certain things. I like to think that in this life we are meant to search, sometimes in every corner of the world, to find what we are good at, where we can make the most impact, and where we can thrive both internally and externally. We all have been given unique God-given gifts and attributes, we just need to discover what to do with them. I do not believe fulfillment is found in one place either. Whether it be through academia, careers, social relationships, sports, hobbies, social causes, religious affiliations, family relationships, or a combination of many things it matters not, as long as whatever you pursue is entirely you. After all, it really wouldn't be your destiny if it wasn't personal.

This train of thought makes me even more ready to go out and take on the world. I want to know where I belong, what I am meant to do, and where I am needed most. I want to know my destiny. So many people have these same questions and thoughts that God knew He couldn't leave us here alone: we would all end up wandering and seeking for far too many years to do the world any good. That is why I believe special thoughts and insights are dropped along the way for us to grab and put together until we finally make a complete picture of it all. We need times when we are young or middle-aged to step away from the craziness of the world and just stop to look at ourselves and all the pieces of information we have been given. We need to get to know US better: our likes, our dislikes, our talents, our weaknesses. We often find these great pieces of insights when we are not involved in material things, but rather when we are serving others, exploring the world and the beauties of nature, or just stepping away from day-to-day life for a second to take everything in. To be in that peace and quite where we can just listen and think.

I don't know what I am going to do with my life, I don't know where I will be in five years, I don't even know what I am going to MAJOR in. Yet, I don't think of the future as a scary, daunting place, but one filled with potential and a whole lot of great experiences waiting for me. That excites me. I know that if I stay true to myself, pray for insights and opportunities, and try to do all I can to make this world a better place, I will somehow find my place in this great big world.