Why I Believe

I've wanted to do this post for a long time because my faith and church are so close to me, and a blog about me just wouldn't be complete unless I talked about them. There are a lot of people who aren't familiar with my church or want to know why the heck I would choose to follow such a path, so hopefully this will clear some things up about the church as well as why I am a believer. Here we go.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, aka the Mormons. If you have continued to read after that statement and not turned away grumbling about those crazy people from Utah, I thank you for your open-mindedness and willingness to give me a shot. Whenever the topic of religion comes up a lot of people feel uncomfortable and shy away from the conversation, which I can totally understand. BUT the beauty of a blog is you can read this in the privacy of your own brain and ponder what I have to say in peace.

So what exactly do we believe? We believe in God, our Heavenly Father, and in His son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We believe that they are three distinct individuals that make up the godhead and that God and Jesus Christ have bodies just like we do! They are not just spirits.

We believe that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know each of us - our talents, our hopes, our fears, our shortcomings, our hardships, our great worth - and loves us more than we can imagine. They want what is best for us and for us all to return to them in the next life. We can do this by living as they would want us to and doing our best to follow their teachings each and every day.

As humans, God knew we could not be perfect and would make mistakes and go against His will at times. That is why He sent Christ to the earth 2,000 years ago to live a perfect life, take upon Himself and experience all of our sins and hardships, die for us, and then be resurrected. Through this Atonement and Resurrection, we are all given a life after our time here on earth, something I am so grateful for.

We believe that after Christ and his twelve apostles (chief witnesses) died, their Priesthood authority (power and authority given from God to act in His name) died with them. As a result, although people created many churches of their own accord, the true church of Christ left the earth for many years.

We believe that in 1820, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to a boy named Joseph Smith in response to his heart-felt and sincere prayer asking to know which church he should join. God and Jesus Christ told Joseph he should join none of the churches because they were "incomplete" and made according to man's wishes and not God's. Then, through Joseph Smith, God and Jesus Christ restored the full Gospel that was established during Christ's time. That true gospel is our church today.

We believe after His resurrection and death, Christ appeared to the people in the Americas, and their histories and witnesses of Christ are contained in the Book of Mormon. We believe in the Bible and the Book of Mormon, both acting as testimonies of Jesus Christ and his divine mission on the earth.

For some reason, a lot of people hold misconceptions about the church, and it is usually those who don't know any Mormons or are afraid to ask questions. I used to be one of those people. I joined the church just six months ago after about two years of studying and investigating, and I tried my hardest to not believe. But once I started asking questions to legitimately learn and actually started to read the Book of Mormon, everything didn't seem so strange and I started to see why members of the church are so dedicated.

Since I've become a member of the church it's like I'm looking at life through a windowpane of positivity. What used to be a setback or hardship, is now just a trial of my faith that will refine me a little bit and leave me better than I started. What used to be unanswered questions of where I came from, why I'm here, and where I'm going, are now answered in the most beautiful ways. What used to be passiveness is now faith!

I love being a member of the church! I love knowing that Someone is always there watching over me (no matter where I am or what I am doing) and that I can reach Him anytime through prayer. I love having a living prophet (an inspired man just like Moses, Noah, Peter, or Paul, who is the mouthpiece for God on the earth) who leads the church and helps guide us through life. I love knowing of my great worth as a daughter of God and strive everyday to live up to that title and have respect for my body. And most importantly I love being happy because I know these things are true!

Just because I am a member of the church does not mean I think I am any different or better than you. I am by no means perfect and don't think I am even close! I am still a normal person who goes through good and bad times and makes countless mistakes. Thankfully though, my church gives me hope, faith, and comfort in life, and helps me find peace and happiness where I couldn't on my own. That is why I believe.

If you have made it this far, thank you! I love sharing about my church and hope this cleared up any major questions that you had and got rid of some false rumors you may have picked up. I'd love to answer any questions or talk about the church at any time, and the church also has an awesome website (which you can access here) that will explain everything in better detail. Hopefully you enjoyed this post and, at the very least, learned what Mormons like me believe.

Kid, you'll move mountains

Have you ever had that moment where something just seems so perfect and so right that you wonder why you weren't so certain about this before? Well, I had that moment a few days ago and it was amazing! I am constantly thinking about what I want to do with my life and what I need to do to get there (when I say constantly I'm not using the word just for the sake of the word, but literally mean ALL THE TIME at an unhealthy level), and have gone from being a doctor, to going into the business school to study finance, realized I hated finance, went into marketing, realized I'm not really a marketing person, thought about becoming a doctor again, realized I don't like labs and diseases and such, then just counted my loses and stayed in the business because that is the most rational thing to do and heaven forbid I be anything but rational.

Then I decided to do the most rational thing I could do: put aside what everyone else is telling me to do; not think about money, titles, or prestige; and just look inside myself and pray. For some reason I always forget to do these most important of things even though they never fail. I got down to pray and ask that I just might have some direction in my life and know what would make me the happiest and what that great Being who created me wanted for me because who better to ask? During this time I thought I would be directed towards being a doctor or some sort of business person like I always thought, but I couldn't stop thinking about TEACHING. Random right? Granted I did daydream a bit about being a teacher and possibly a basketball coach and living the good life, but that was shot down by the snooty thoughts in my head as well as my mother. But man this time the thought took me over! I couldn't sleep that night thinking about teaching my own class, surrounding myself in an academic setting that I have always loved, and having a direct impact on my students and molding young minds (even if only one student per class is actually paying attention/awake). And of course who can forget the frequent breaks and getting off work around 3 pm! Sounds pretty good to me.

Ever since that night, the idea of being a teacher has really stuck with me and just seems so right. Sort of like that "Aha!" moment when you just wonder how you didn't think of it before because of course you want to be a teacher! (or whatever yours happens to be) What works out wonderfully for me is that Lehigh has a very cool 5 year education program where you graduate with a bachelor's degree in whatever subject you choose, AND a master's degree in education AND a teaching credential. So, I can continue my education in the business school and graduate with a business degree that will greatly help me get a job if needed (for money reasons or whatever comes up), while also setting me up perfectly to be a teacher! Pretty good deal huh?

So for now, that is what I am pursuing in my life. Keep in mind my mind changes just about every day, but this idea just feels a little different. Plus it has stuck for a few days which can only mean good things. I love that we learn through this crazy refining process (no matter how agonizing it can be) because each new idea we strike down or new direction we head in, we learn something new about ourselves and what we are supposed to do in life. As long as we keep an open mind and an open heart, we will find where we are supposed to be. I'd like to end with a little verse from Dr. Seuss which is so fitting for this stage of my life and when thinking about the future. Children's books sometimes have the most insightful messages...

"Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go....

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!"

timing is everything

I wish I could write on this thing more often, but it always takes me so long and I try to make it too perfect (my version of "perfect" at least). So, if you see the grammar/English of my next few blog posts suffer, my apologies but this must be sacrificed for the sake new material. I also sometimes have trouble finding something to write about; topics will pop up in my brain all the time, but I often don't think I can elaborate on them or wonder if anyone would even care to read about that. Then I remember that the readers of this blog are made up of my mom, my best friend, a couple teammates, and the occasional friend who happens to stumble upon it. And most of the people in this small group don't even read it regularly. So after trimming down my pride a bit, I decided that this blog is for me! My thoughts, my opinions, my conversation topics, and my grammar rules.

This is meant as no disrespect towards my few faithful followers (I love you Mom, Kaley, Diz), and nothing will honestly change because I've been writing whatever I wanted to anyways, just a formal declaration of what I would like for this blog. It started one year ago as an assignment for my second semester English class where we were looking at how things are "mapped." For our final assignment the professor asked us to do an independent project that looked at how people map themselves. What better way to do this than start a blog? My thoughts exactly. Through this blog I am literally "mapping" my life on the invisible realm of the internet. I'm leaving a trail behind that helps show my journey through life with each post. I'm helping myself remember what I was thinking at a particular moment in time, what events were going on in my life, who I was with, how I felt, etc. I of course will remember most of these things in my memory (which is such a cool little device we all come with if you think about it-it's like a permanent video recorder in your head!), but I can never remember word for word or as well as I do in this moment here and now, and that's what this blog is for! To chart my course and help others see what direction I'm going in as well.

I suppose I could just talk with people close to me and tell them these things, and for some readers I probably will, but it's kind of funny how it is easier to write things than say things a lot of the time; forcing people to read what you have to say instead of you just telling them. After all, isn't it the same message in the end? I've always preferred writing: you are given more time to think through how you really feel and pose your message in the way you'd like so the reader will understand what you want to get across. I sometimes forget though that a reader cannot hear the inflection in your voice, see the expression on your face, or feel the intention of your heart (the smiley and winkey faces of texting would indeed come in handy here, maybe I'll start a new trend), and this is the only drawback I find to writing. Writing also takes a lot more time than talking, and since lack of time was what began this post, I will stop here because I love when things come full circle.

Growing out of my comfort zone

"If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone"
-John Maxwell

Because it is the start of a new year and everyone is talking about resolutions and what to expect out of 2011, I decided to add my two cents and reflect upon the year of 2010. And what a year it was! I mean, man. First of all, it was hands down the fastest year of my life which completely amazes me because so much happened and I came out of it a completely different person. You think this would take a series of years or even decades, but it all happened in this one small year. The best way to describe 2010 is a year of growth. There is no better way to put it. Although my freshman year of college began during the end of 2009 and not 2010, it was from January on that most of the change occurred (everything before that was just ignorant bliss: the calm before the storm if you will). As I have written about before, my freshman year of college was a true roller-coaster ride; one that seemed to prefer corkscrews, loops, and severe drops rather than the peaceful highs with the nice views. Yes, one year ago today I was in a funk. One that would last until about mid October of 2010 when the the growth that was spreading and taking root beneath the surface all year finally blossomed above ground for all to see, including myself. My attitude started to change in an instant and I felt as if I was a completely different person from the one I had known for 18 years. But looking back now, I realize that it did not happen in an instant, as most true change cannot happen in such a quick and miraculous way. Change takes time. It needs to explore the territory a bit and roam around before it will settle in. This is just what happened to me.

2010 was my first full year of "adulthood" (if that is what you can even call college; maybe, "pseudo adulthood" is a better term). A year that I was completely free from high school, permanent residence in my hometown, and the constant watch of my parents. A year where I was forced to figure out life and my current situation on my own. Although last year I would have croaked over dead before you heard me say college basketball BENEFITED me, it without a doubt helped magnify the terrifying/depressing/questioning/horrific experience of freshmen year of college, which eventually led to magnified rewards. I suppose that is what being stripped of your confidence, happiness, naivety, swagger, etc. will do to you. Because in this state, it is just you. You in your most basic form. A form that lets you connect with the One who created you and discover what makes you tick and who you really are. It allows you to discover what you like, what your talents are, what makes you laugh, what makes you smile, who truly matters in your life, how you feel about things, what you believe in, and what you don't; most importantly it allows you to have confidence in your self because you built it. Or rather, you discovered it. This is the you you want to be and who you truly are. Sure I have only scratched the surface of discovering all there is to know about me (a lifetime project a don't doubt), but laying this foundation has been a wonderful wonderful experience for me. An experience shared with the amazing people I have met and developed lasting relationships with, those who have been around since the beginning and have stuck by my side through "the dark ages," and also the places, words, ideas, and beliefs that have added a lovely backdrop for it all. Without this collective group, I could not have possibly learned so much about myself; after all, what better way to learn and grow than tapping into the shared knowledge contained in the invisible web that connects us all??

So all in all 2010, cheers to you! Thank you for helping me laugh harder, smile a million times more than I ever have, find greater joy in life, draw closer to God in every way, develop friendships with the most amazing people in the world, find a way to love the people around me even more, foster an attachment to this university I will be spending four years of my life at, rediscover my love for a game I have dedicated my life to, better understand who I am and what I mean to the world, worry less, and just have fun.

So instead of making resolutions for this new year (that I won't follow through on because I never do), I just hope I will continue to enjoy life, be happy, and try and help other people be happy too. Whatever way, shape or form I can do that is fine with me!

Doesn't get much better than this

My teammates are freaking awesome. I have never met such amazing ladies and I have never had so much fun. It just blows my mind. We are the most random assortment of people that somehow just mesh together as if we were each meant to be on this very team at this very time. It is so crazy to me how things work out this way! We all enter the team as different people - all with different backgrounds, experiences, beliefs, and ways of doing things - but as time goes on, we actually mold together . At some point during our tenure here we let down our barriers and expose ourselves to the system and experience that is Lehigh basketball. This is where change, growth, and chemistry are born. We each bring all of our past experiences and personalities to the table, and take part in a huge game of exchanging and dealing all of our unique cards between each other. When the game is over, we leave with a new hand that is better than the first for the simple fact that it contains a little piece of everyone. Now when the time comes for us all to go our separate ways, we will have a small portion of each other to carry along wherever we go. The special bonds we formed along the way will not erase, nor can they, because we have etched them into each and every one of us. I love this!

I am so lucky to share a small chunk of time with these wonderful ladies and be able to realize early in my too-short career that this is something I should savor every minute of. Each year we have to say goodbye to a few key pieces of our group, and the time we shared with them becomes just a memory. BUT the cool thing about memories is that they last. I will always remember the times we laughed until it hurt, the times we cried and thought that things would never get better, the times we partied because we were champions and that's what champions do, the times our bodies hurt so bad that it just wasn't worth it to get out of bed, and all the times we spent hugging, smiling, and just enjoying each other. This snapshot of my life will live with me forever because it changed me forever. I've learned to be more optimistic, more compassionate, more outgoing, more loving, less selfish, and a whole lot more fun because that is exactly what the women around me were like.

This is why I'm so grateful I stuck it out through the tears and sorrow that is freshman year. I think that was a necessary initiation to see if I deserved the blessings I was about to receive. They are just too special to give to anyone, and for some amazing reason my feet stayed glued to the ground until I was able to see just how fortunate I was to share a space of time with these 15 other people. I cannot WAIT to see where these next two years take me (and the rest of this one!) and let me tell you I am excited. I only hope that I can be just as great to these lovely ladies as they have been to me, and maybe, just maybe, help them to feel even a portion of the love I feel for them.

This truly is a beautiful experience we all get to go through, an experience that is neither perfect or easy, but one that can lead to amazing amazing things. As my wonderful teammate Kristen Dalton put it:

There is no mathematical way to go about this. There is no conclusion to draw here. There is no formula that guarantees good friendships. There is only the coming back to, where our lines overlap and intersect and move harmoniously across our days. We can call this a rhythm. Or we can call it a blessing, the great friendships of this adventure.

Love actually is all around

What is love? This has been the pressing question on one of my teammate's mind recently and a question that I wanted to find an answer to. Although I have never experienced love in a relationship before (sigh), I have indeed felt its presence in many forms. And because, as a human, I have the capacity to love another in the highest form, I think that also gives me the ability to imagine it and the right to write about it. Also, after watching Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility and still finding myself trapped in 17th century England with British accents lingering in my head, it only seems fitting.

Love is the most mysterious of things because it doesn't seem controllable; it is something that springs up out of the corners of our hearts and soon takes over our entire body in a much too short amount of time. Is this meant to happen? Are we perhaps being told by some greater force that we are to love a certain person even if there is no rational reason for doing so? This idea troubles me for the simple fact that sometimes love is anything but the positive emotion contained within its definition. Sometimes (a lot of the time), love is hard. Love can hurt. Love can bruise. Love can torment. Why?? Why is the deepest emotion contained within the human heart allowed to hurt and uplift all at the same time? I just can't fathom how this can possibly be the case or how this is at all fair.

Then it dawned on me. Love can surely hurt and sting, but it might still be able to keep its good name. I started reading My Spiritual Journey, a semi autobiography on the current Dalai Lama (it was an amazing experience and a wonderful life decision by the way, one I will have to elaborate on in another day) and learned about love in its simplest, purest form. One main point the Dalai Lama made was that in life the most important lessons we learn and our greatest stages of growth are often found in times of hardships. Our friends - if they are indeed true friends - surely do not provide us hardships and therefore can not be counted on to help us in this area. But our enemies, they do a WONDERFUL job of testing us, hurting us, and throwing curveballs our way; and for this, we should love them. They are the ones who make us question who we are, what we stand for, and what we want to become. They are the ones who give us the greatest opportunities for growth, and we should not show any anger or hostility towards them, but rather love them all the more for this.

If this is indeed the case, that we grow the most from hardships and trying situations, well maybe then that is why love is sometimes hard, a struggle even. It would only make sense that the deepest emotion found within human hearts, an emotion that can take us to the highest of highs and the lowest of loves, would have the greatest potential to help us change for the better. When we are forced to wander through the deep valleys of a lost, unfound, or unrequited love, we walk a path that leads to personal insights and a deeper connection with the pure human being inside of us all. The human being that in its most basic form yearns for happiness. When we get to this most basic state, we feel a greater connection with ourselves, and the people around us who are all looking for the same thing. This in turn harvests a deeper love for those around us or the sole person who walked the path beside us.

Love, then, is one great eternal round. Something that goes through cycles of good and bad in a resounding rhythm that keeps the world spinning. Something that has the ability to bring the best out of anyone it touches and inspire them to do more for those around them. Something that enhances every other emotion and cuts to the very core of the human heart. Love is something that we should all look to find and harvest in our own lives for it is indeed the beginning and the end of human existence. Love is the fuel of life.

Thank you life

In the spirit of Thanksgiving and general gratitude for this amazing month of November, I decided to jot down a few of the things I am grateful for. There are so many things that go unnoticed or that just don't come to mind at this particular point in time, but I feel this list will do. I'm going to follow in Jimmy Fallon's footsteps and write thank you cards to the things I am grateful for...

Thank you, cozy bed, for being so cozy right now and keeping me warm every night.

Thank you, right achilles, for not hurting me like your sister, the left achilles, or I might have to cut you both off and start anew.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for putting up with my "rebelliousness" and loving/supporting me through thick and thin. I love you.

Thank you, Kendal, for helping me cultivate my love for Harry Potter, Nsync, Taylor Swift, the Giants, and for laughing. You helped raise me and you were always there when I needed you to help or just have fun with. I love you.

Thank you, Kaley, for being the best friend in the whole world and knowing me better than I know myself. I know I can tell you anything and you will still love me. Thank you for helping me be better and always making me smile. I love you.

Thank you, San Francisco Giants, for being freaking awesome and becoming champions of the world. Thattababe.

Thank you, LUWB, for making my college experience amazing, helping me loosen up, and have more fun than imaginable. You are my sisters and I love you.

Thank you, metablolism, for metabolizing all the junk I eat every day - including the four desserts I had last night. Without you I would be 500 pounds.

Thank you, brownies, for being so darn delectable day in and day out. Your consistency is mouthwatering.

Aright, enough of the thank you notes, and on with the last thank yous. I am thankful for this wonderful life that I have been given. I am learning more and more every day and I am very grateful for the thoughtfulness I have been given to think and ponder about every detail of life (even to a potentially unhealthy degree) because it has allowed me to learn more about the things around me and about myself. I am thankful that life can change so quickly. One blessing/opportunity can change everything; if you keep your faith and optimism, things WILL work out and life WILL be good. God is always there for you and has a plan for you to fulfill. These are two great things I am grateful for.

So, on this Thanksgiving, just try to reflect on all you have and all the happy things in your life. If this doesn't work, just think of me, and the fact that I will be 3000 miles from home playing the two-time defending national champion UConn Huskies. Yeah, your Thanksgiving is better. No, but in all seriousness I am very grateful for the 15 other girls and coaches I have to spend my Thanksgiving with because they truly are my second family. Happy Thanksgiving!